Oswald Says Take Joy in Discouragement

In my reading of My Utmost this morning it was an interesting one to look at and contemplate over because of the situation of myself and others around my age and in my typa situation. The ability to be longing to pursue what you want to do/feel are called by God to do, versus the necessity of a job and paying off expenses creates a dynamic and interesting state which leads to a lot of feelings at different times.

The title of the day is Individual Discouragement and Personal Growth. Oswald looks over Exodus 2:11 and takes an interesting take on Moses' life and where God had him, where he ended up taking him and where and when he uses him. Exodus 2 says “when Moses was grown he went out to his brethren and looked at their burdens.” Apparently Moses was treated as a half prince who was aware of his roots. He knew his people were the Hebrews but was raised by the Egyptians. He saw his people being oppressed and Oswald asserts that he was moved to the point where he believed he should make a difference for the Hebrew people. That he could stand up for them and make sure they were treated better/well. Oswald goes so far so to say Moses was certain that he was the one to deliver them.

So when he sees a beating occur he goes to the rescue of his people, but goes overboard and ends up killing the Egyptian. Could be seen as tally mark one for his idea of helping and gaining ground for his people. He stood up for the Hebrews, yet they did not stand united behind him, but were also beating and quarreling with each other and were indignant to Moses and asked if he were to kill them too.

This ability to be seen as one who did help out but was still not in a place that allowed him to be used as he wanted to be, and maybe as God wanted him to be. Oswald then says that while this tally mark one for Moses on behalf of God for his people seemed to be for the right stuff, Moses was not ready for God to fully use him yet. God ends up sending Moses away by himself for a time of growth, reflection and work on himself by God and those close to him.

Yet it was away in almost ruin, alone and wandering you see Moses still fight for the oppressed in Midian and is rewarded with a wife and family to be brought into. A noble story and a good time, all be it stemming from an empty discouragement, as Oswald asserts, that it is a secondary win. He still was not able to work it out for his people.

In that time of individual discouragement and personal growth, which took 40 years!!! Moses became a different man, but one whose heart still beat for justice and longed to be used, yet seemingly didn't know if he could be anymore. So God comes to him in a burning bush and asks him to bring his people out of Egypt. Moses seems to be like sweet.... but me really? I'm the guy who killed a dude and had to skip outta town like no other last time I tried that. Yet this time he gets to trust in God, being trained and discipled, picked out and groomed more fully, and have God with and for him in an UNDENIABLE way, on which he must rely on God first and foremost. Oswald makes a sweet statement that I have been thinking over for the past couple months in a different type of way, “he was right in his individual perspective, but he was not the person for the work UNTIL he had learned true fellowship and oneness with God”

What a feeling that seems true to me too. I have a longing but even now it is not pronounced as final and not as.....ready. I long to be more in relationship with my God and creator and out of a combination of fear and a nagging feeling of if I go I will end up depending far more on my power than that of Christ, I feel that just going may stunt what I can and maybe will do. I longed for a “wilderness” of my own after feeling that out this summer. Is it a forced wilderness or will it be one where I am out of my comfort zone in the world yet an drawn into closeness with my lover. As of now I am feeling a bit of the latter, but I am open to the plans of the one who knows me best and whose love for me I long to even begin to fathom. Oswald looks at this type of thing as a frustrating good. We have a vision and an understanding of what God wants for us but when we start to pursue we end up faltering into a realm where we did not expect us to be and may end up in complete frustration and discouragement. But our hearts stir and beat for a specific purpose and as we get closer to his face and heart, the meeting will end up being joyous and purposeful once we get the courage to say, NOW??? ME? REALLY? And trust when his answer is yes. YES because you are with ME! I AM WHO I AM, and I AM sending you.

Oswald I think rightly looks at the side of going for it in a selfish and inflated way. “ We must also learn that our individual effort for God shows nothing but disrespect for HIM- our individuality is to be rendered (through surrender) radiant through a personal relationship with God, so that HE may be “well pleased”

He comments pretty unseemingly forceful on the difference between the discerning of God's “will” or more accurately his righteous passion or vision of “what God wants me to do” and the necessity and urgency of learning to get into God's stride and surrender to his timing and plans even if it leads us against our our hearts longings or thoughts for a time.

How great is it that he ends with a caveat and allowing that we are striving for God's heart in the times of struggle and personal discouragement, that great times of personal growth are ahead if we TRUST the I AM who is the past present our our hope in future, and fight towards HIS heart.

3 Things I Know: That I Must Live By

This blog came out of a great time of being challenged and open to introspection and need for spiritual renewal, during (you can guess why) Spiritual Renewal Week Chapel.

I always enjoy being challenged and pushed to a place I know i need to be, because far to often i know i should be pushed in that way but don't push myself. So here is me thinking through things in need to do/realize/expect/challenge myself in everyday. I really like these and they just came to me and I started writing, maybe ill get even more in depth at a later point.

This is the basis of what I am thinking, I long to love God.
Love is a daily choice.
Love is true, freestanding, steadfast, and anchored in its truth.

In order to daily choose to love, i need to know 3 things.

1) I Need My Daily Bread
For man does not live on bread alone but by the very WORD of God.

2) Every Day Is a Battle
There is a WAR going on and there needs to be defensive and offensive moves taken to combat it.

3) Myself and others are involved
I am not alone in this but I am also called to DO WORK. God, HIS word, and His people are there for me, believing in me and rooting for me but I cannot rest on them alone because ultimately I am responsible for my actions.


Love it, need it gotta live by it and focus on these things. I believe these are biblically backed and spoken in the Word by Jesus and those who sought after him and teach us to as well. (I will take time to look up examples for these guys for sure, this is just the conversation in my brain.)

Expanded Thoughts-me thinking along the blurred lines of reality and spirituality.

1) What is sustenance and what is filling. You can be sustained even without food but will be beaten down to a shell. The world will beat you down if you are without the Word. You see hungry people or people who eat and throw it up or are content with little pieces of food and you can see outwardly that they are not healthy, but it is the inward damage that makes it even more intense.
You must ingest, devour, complete the meal and cycle of grafting, absorbing your daily food in order to bring life and nutrients. The whole system boils down to resupplying your energy in order to live and grow. The Word of God is your daily bread, your honey that breaks down into sugar and ends up being the building block through which life comes from. It has to be daily to keep up with the body and with the life around you and the things that you do, if it is neglected or shut off, then the results end up stunted and maimed.

2) Everyday is a battle of forces coming together or two sides that war. It is what a choice is. One side for one and another side for the opposite. For us it is to Live by Christ or to live by self. Walk in the light or walk/stumble/meander through darkness. Yet when you look at war it is not something that just happens or is a stagnant state that you call something. It is active and imposing, it requires action on both sides. War is a tactical situation where offensive and defensive maneuvers must take place. They must be planned and also put into action, what good is a plan if it stays on the drawing board and is not initialized. Both sides must also be used in terms of X's and O's. If you just engage in a defensive battle plan you play on the offensive terms. The other side just does not sit there and let you be, they may lay siege to you and wear you down and starves you out until surrender happens. Countermeasures and an offensive strategy of your own must be employed. Taking hold of what is rightfully yours and bringing it back to peace requires work to be done to defeat the enemy, for it will always try to take back what it wants no matter how far you push it back. If you leave it living and stop the offensive it will come back to get you. Take ground and then reposition your defenses for the next attack for surely the next attack is coming.

3) "You'll Never walk alone" but you do have to walk as well. You are never alone in what you do for there is always at least someone either rooting for you or wanting to come alongside to join you. If you have two choices then you are on one side and so will someone else. You and your group will go after it together for the common goal, but this does not just happen (see point 2). The group will not succeed unless every member pulls their weight. A team, group or unit is not defined by the whole but what each individual effort is given and added up into a whole. Each is accountable for their own job and if one falters it affects the whole. You must not only recognize that you are not alone but hold up your end of the group if you are to succeed. I think of a Phalanx in the Greek fighting days, notably of the 300 Spartans. A terrifying group and a unit that is not easily broken. When each man carries his own end of the bargain, his own weight they are nearly unstoppable as the whole works "as one." But it still relies on your work and the person next to you's work. you hold up your shield not just to protect yourself but also the one next to you. You must have put in work yourself to be able to carry this shield and others are counting on you to put in your work. They will encourage and uplift you for the good of all but it still comes down to the one person taking charge of themselves. In the end the group will give you strength but it must you that decides to hold the shield up when push comes to shove.

I love all of this imagery to me, it makes sense and hopefully it can translate to you. I am pushing forward and driving after a life i have always known i am capable of, but it takes disciple, time, effort and help to make this a reality. I am loved by God, my friends and family who support me and by the belief in me that tells me i am made in imago dei for something special and wonderful, but i must take hold of it knowing that its through HIS Word, and battling the schemes of the evil one, and decided to take action myself that i will be set free and live in the light of love.

Present State

God is good, there aint any doubt about that, and I love the way that he tends to move, a combination of subtlety and an over arching sense of presumed logic.

I needed a vacation and to get away from the norm, so I left Upland and my serving job at Bdubs behind and went to the mountains. Just went by myself to Colorado and Colorado springs. Its amazing how something simple as switching up your schedule allows God to intervene and get through to you in a different way that your set up set of events does not easily allow.

Well it was fantastic, chilling with the Beck family, and getting to know them even better and just enjoying what fellowship and God's beauty has in store. Just being around the mountains and seeing the blue sky and clouds forming everywhere played to my sense of peace with God.

Yet at the same time brought with it a challenge. I was feeling constantly like it was great but that my soul was longing for something that I couldnt put my finger on, and not readily sense.

But during corporate worship with 4,000 kids and adults at a youth conference worship session I was able to enjoy the penetrating of my soul. Just loving basking in the truth I was proclaiming and continuing to get a sense of diving deeper into myself to be able to give more of myself.

So I come back with a few weeks of work left until i gear up and get into soccer season again. I am pumped!!! to be coaching this fall and see what God has in store for the TU ladies soccer program. I know that God will use me in his ways while i am at Taylor.

But also I am excited to have the sense that my time at Taylor is drawing to a close, and I am starting to truly dive into the vast (almost too broad) realm of possibilities of what HE has in store for me next. I am looking into finding a place where I will be continually challenged and pushed beyond my comfort and into another level of trust with God.

I dont know what that looks like, whether its an intensive session of leadership and biblical teaching, getting into a grad school and coaching, playing/doing sports missions, or working in a church. All of these options seem to have an open door, but i know that God will glorify my choice and use it for his glory, but i am looking forward to see what challenge i take.

So that is my present state: expectancy, and humbly looking for the crazy awesome things God has in store for me!

The Surroundings

As I drive home I think of my surroundings
I see storms ahead and beside me.
The lightning bouncing off the clouds
to punctuate the turmoil all around.
Yet as I listen to what is being sung to me
with words that almost seem meant just for me.
I am reminded to let go and stay all in for Jesus and His plan.
The lights in front just show the road and the next steps that I can take.
And as I look upward to see the stars, in the clear pocket of night.
I see the brilliance of nature magnifying my Lord's might.
and I am told that it is not by anything that I have done, or even who I am.
But that it all is about who HE is.
As I am reminded about who He is and and what the I AM and always will be, is and means to me.
I sit and smile at my surroundings as peace washes over me.
For I know that even though I look at the Surroundings, that in my journey I am right where I need to be.


(written after a drive home from work on June 25th)

Questions bouncing around in my mind.

My blog title is conversations in my mind, and true enough those happen quite often, but now, I have only 15 minutes or so for this thought, but I want to get it out to allow myself to explore the meanings and ideas as they come.

I have always been fascinated and bent on thinking through and looking at relationships and love. More so the way that people interact and how they look to and often times stop themselves from attaining what they truly want by tweaking the situation just enough to throw it off kilter.

So while reading the Shack by WM Paul Young (great and fascinating book whether to read or sit contemplate and discect) I continue to come across simple lines that stand out and hit me like a ton of bricks, maybe youll get a sampling of those later. But this one brings about a question.

Pg 149 Jesus- “It is so simple, but never easy for you” (in relation to how to get out of the cycle
of trying to be out own god and lead and succeed and make things happen for me, accomplish something)

Why do simple things come so hard for us? For me?
All the time that I try to assist others with my goofy sense of logic about how a situation is going and should go, and the steps that need to be taken to relax and let things happen, I cannot in reality take my own advice.
I feel like I am in a third plane, or at least looking on in third person and saying yes I know and get that, it is what I long to do, what I want to do, what I should do. Yet when looking to translate the simplicity of what I know is needed, my actions and worldly life take me in a different way that is not quite the sames.

Why do we inject fear into everything?
We/I worry. A lot. We would rather project our own thoughts into the situation, playing out every possible outcome and overthinking and working ourselves up to the point where the knowledge we have about the situation and our present spot get thrown to the back burner.

Why to we live for the future (worry) ?
We give ourselves a license to worry and question. Holding on to the possibilities and “necessities” 10 years down the road is a common place. We are so caught up with what we SHOULD be doing, we forget all the things we ARE doing, or CAN be doing. And how often do these fears of what we could or should be doing paralyze us and end up hurting us more than what we are “not” doing.

Why do I long for control?
I try to give up what I can, and what I will do, its what I want to do, surrender to God's will. But my failure to live every moment in Christ, and figure out how to be in relationship and trust in the acquired knowledge about my God, relates to the fact that I cannot surrender and I continue to live trusting in what I can do.

Why do the abstract feel right but feel out of touch?
I “KNOW” more than I implement. I understand and my soul cries out to do things I hear and read and feel about my God but I do not trust enough to allow them to seem possible. I would rather keep that sense of control than walk by faith.
Why do I like the “easy” road?
Are not the harder roads the more satisfying once accomplished? What is it about the not easy part that brings me to a stand still as I stand at crossroads? What do I fear, and where can and how can and whose love will cast out the fear to a place where I move in the right direction.

Why is it easy to see and sense these questions when they come up, yet are shoved so far below the surface once things begin to happen?

Why do mentalities shift so easily?
It is not just the ability to shift from church mode into “life” mode but burying the great thoughts and ideas and seeing them be totally outside your mind hours later. It frustrates me

OOOOh life, how you interest me and make me think, at least every now and then.

As moments linger: and following gets hard

I am always one that enjoys fully living in the moment. I take things as they come and supplement it with a broader picture that allows me to continue on a path while enjoying events that happen. It is a great thing, but often becomes void of reflection and a depth that can truly be helpful. Many times it has been so good to hear a sermon or have a conversation where i know and feel the presence of the Lord and the Spirit guiding me and the conversation.

Yet those moments that happen, tend to be just that. A smaller aspect, a moment that I cherish and love and praise God for. I wouldn't trade those times for just about anything, for it is when i grow the most and i find God's truth in. But there comes a time when moments transfer to more than a fleeting aspect of life. They combine and continue, and with that comes decisions and choices and the necessity of following after, or pursuing an end.

Far to often I have settled for what the next moment brings and trusting that to God. He has brought me incredible places and introduced me to awesome people. Yet now, as I come to a place in my life where I have experienced possibilities and seen opportunities, I have realized the need to truly follow after what God wants me to do.... but that is hard.

It is hard because it requires a lot more of myself. I not only have to give up myself but i also have to search out HIS will and thoughts. It is always easier to just go with it and encounter God as he meets me. It becomes hard as i stand up out of my chair and walk to the ledge. HE is out there on the water, smiling and waiting and I am no longer talking about walking on water, I am being asked to follow HIM out there. SCARY

Yet there is this confidence, for those who have been alongside me, who have experienced me, know me and seen me encounter God and my life. They are right beside me, one in the body and in prayer. I thank God that I DO have people around me, always have and always will be my support for wobbly legs.

This past period of time, being on my own and learning how to live and search and be has been great, and hard and rewarding and challenging. I should expect nothing less. The past few months have been also some of greatest times I have had as I try hard to follow, not as a bystander but one who drops the nets and follows.

The Father's Word is true and I love being a part of that. So as the past month has had its immense ups and downs, and the confusion trys to reign and cut me down. I have around me things that support and drive me forward through the moment into an experience! I have the Word, I have friends, I have spoken truth by pastors and speakers. All of which have been such a great and needed in times recently.

So here I am... A guy who longs to imitate (follow, be like, seek after) Christ and is growing in willingness to let go and be brought _____ (anywhere). Its dang scary and weird and doesn't give an answer in a moment. But I rest in the knowledge that I have people behind me and the word before me.

I cried out today as my soul felt agitated, and I know I have responses from those who are in the battle with me. I turned to a little daily inspiration book, which oddly enough is called "Divine Moments" (just like my favorite times :) God is funny) and turned right to "Following" ~Why does following God feel/seem so hard sometimes? (Can you believe that, its like God is near and cares or something!)

Then the Bible verses come from the New and Old Testament, Matthew 16:24 "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me." and 1 Chronicles 28:20 Be strong and courageous and do the work dont be afraid or discouraged for the LORD God, my God, is with you and will not forsake you.

MAN thats just awesome, tears stream down my face as the TRUTH of God pours into me. HE is great and awesome.

So i still have no answers and may not for a while, but as these moments linger and add together, I have a confidence that lifts me up. I long to follow more eagerly and fully. cause i know that because of the struggle i am experiencing i am headed in the right direction. Soon the time will come to step up on the ledge and follow my Savior out to a place where footprints dont work and a gaze fixed on Christ is all you can go by.

Sounds scary, but brilliant and incredible huh.

Conversation From Room to Floors to the World.

A year has passed and gone quickly. Mammoth changes came incredibly quick. To be able to sit and see what has happened, how I've changed, how those around me have changed is a gift. There is no other way to look at it.

- A gift given to realize the abilities you've gained, and the growth of those around you.-

I cant help but have a smile on my face to sit and think. And when you get to share the end of one calendar year with those who you have seen and have seen you transition through the end of the collegiate season of life, the reflections and memories are just that sweeter. This is one reflection.

Conversations in a dorm room is where it starts. From the awkward beginnings of your first roommates and living together or brother/sister wingers stopping by and the gradual shift from giggles and jokes to semi serious conversations about relationships and friendships. To talks on how we live out our faith, how to be real in a bubble. To struggles we have with each other and within ourselves.

Just simple conversations. Whether taking place in dorm rooms, IHOP visits, lounges, small groups and as they transfer to off campus houses, visits to the friends homes. They have also shifted from AIM, to Ichat, to facebook, to skype to mass emails. Simple conversations yes, but o how the depths of each person are shaped, molded and grown.

It is just great to think of the conversations and thoughts, realize where youve come from and where you are headed. Especially because in hindsight you see those around you grow as well. So when you continue to mature and are able to have a great post Taylor time on New Year ’s Eve, and mix in quality conversation you just gotta smile. Because the conversations have made us better, wiser, stronger, and different.

So when a guy comes up to a group of people having a good time laughing and conversing on the floor of a train station in Chicago IL. He sees something different. He sees years of conversations combined into a group of people. He sees "A Jesus Circle"

In a world where people aren’t real enough to develop conversations that are beneficial and will build up others as well as themselves. Cynicism rules and the belief of self sustenance and self knowledge of truth affect all areas of life. He feels the need to come over and spout his opinions because he longs for them to be known and challenged. He comes over and calls my LORD ridiculous names to see if his children really care. He challenges the beliefs because he doesn’t understand the process by which they have been forged.

He becomes confused because the "Jesus Circle" stays calm collected and continues to be the same people he saw from across the room. They smile because they have the ability to rely on a few factors. Knowledge of who they are. Knowledge of who HE is, and what He promises. A knowledge that has been shaped by their conversations.

He leaves still cursing the Name. But he has encountered something, probably something he didn’t quite expect, a group of people united in love and friendship. Who have spent time testing and growing each other. Who took time to converse, to care, to love. To flesh out the Word and help figure out the world around them. He met people who love Jesus.

I love the fact that we get to laugh about a random interaction to start the New Year. Reflection brings me to love even more the build up to that point; the conversations, the love and the growth. It all started with taking time to talk. Just letting things happen, and allowing conversations blossom into challenges and growth.

So thanks to you! As we continue to converse, whether by mass email or video chats or homecoming meetings, New Years celebrations and the like thank you for helping me grow.

So if you don’t have a New Years resolution, just think of taking time. Taking time to; debate, talk, challenge, ask questions, and just be with each other.
May we look to continue to grow this Mark of a Christian. By continuing to converse grow and love each other.
My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:33-35)