In my reading of My Utmost this morning it was an interesting one to look at and contemplate over because of the situation of myself and others around my age and in my typa situation. The ability to be longing to pursue what you want to do/feel are called by God to do, versus the necessity of a job and paying off expenses creates a dynamic and interesting state which leads to a lot of feelings at different times.
The title of the day is Individual Discouragement and Personal Growth. Oswald looks over Exodus 2:11 and takes an interesting take on Moses' life and where God had him, where he ended up taking him and where and when he uses him. Exodus 2 says “when Moses was grown he went out to his brethren and looked at their burdens.” Apparently Moses was treated as a half prince who was aware of his roots. He knew his people were the Hebrews but was raised by the Egyptians. He saw his people being oppressed and Oswald asserts that he was moved to the point where he believed he should make a difference for the Hebrew people. That he could stand up for them and make sure they were treated better/well. Oswald goes so far so to say Moses was certain that he was the one to deliver them.
So when he sees a beating occur he goes to the rescue of his people, but goes overboard and ends up killing the Egyptian. Could be seen as tally mark one for his idea of helping and gaining ground for his people. He stood up for the Hebrews, yet they did not stand united behind him, but were also beating and quarreling with each other and were indignant to Moses and asked if he were to kill them too.
This ability to be seen as one who did help out but was still not in a place that allowed him to be used as he wanted to be, and maybe as God wanted him to be. Oswald then says that while this tally mark one for Moses on behalf of God for his people seemed to be for the right stuff, Moses was not ready for God to fully use him yet. God ends up sending Moses away by himself for a time of growth, reflection and work on himself by God and those close to him.
Yet it was away in almost ruin, alone and wandering you see Moses still fight for the oppressed in Midian and is rewarded with a wife and family to be brought into. A noble story and a good time, all be it stemming from an empty discouragement, as Oswald asserts, that it is a secondary win. He still was not able to work it out for his people.
In that time of individual discouragement and personal growth, which took 40 years!!! Moses became a different man, but one whose heart still beat for justice and longed to be used, yet seemingly didn't know if he could be anymore. So God comes to him in a burning bush and asks him to bring his people out of Egypt. Moses seems to be like sweet.... but me really? I'm the guy who killed a dude and had to skip outta town like no other last time I tried that. Yet this time he gets to trust in God, being trained and discipled, picked out and groomed more fully, and have God with and for him in an UNDENIABLE way, on which he must rely on God first and foremost. Oswald makes a sweet statement that I have been thinking over for the past couple months in a different type of way, “he was right in his individual perspective, but he was not the person for the work UNTIL he had learned true fellowship and oneness with God”
What a feeling that seems true to me too. I have a longing but even now it is not pronounced as final and not as.....ready. I long to be more in relationship with my God and creator and out of a combination of fear and a nagging feeling of if I go I will end up depending far more on my power than that of Christ, I feel that just going may stunt what I can and maybe will do. I longed for a “wilderness” of my own after feeling that out this summer. Is it a forced wilderness or will it be one where I am out of my comfort zone in the world yet an drawn into closeness with my lover. As of now I am feeling a bit of the latter, but I am open to the plans of the one who knows me best and whose love for me I long to even begin to fathom. Oswald looks at this type of thing as a frustrating good. We have a vision and an understanding of what God wants for us but when we start to pursue we end up faltering into a realm where we did not expect us to be and may end up in complete frustration and discouragement. But our hearts stir and beat for a specific purpose and as we get closer to his face and heart, the meeting will end up being joyous and purposeful once we get the courage to say, NOW??? ME? REALLY? And trust when his answer is yes. YES because you are with ME! I AM WHO I AM, and I AM sending you.
Oswald I think rightly looks at the side of going for it in a selfish and inflated way. “ We must also learn that our individual effort for God shows nothing but disrespect for HIM- our individuality is to be rendered (through surrender) radiant through a personal relationship with God, so that HE may be “well pleased”
He comments pretty unseemingly forceful on the difference between the discerning of God's “will” or more accurately his righteous passion or vision of “what God wants me to do” and the necessity and urgency of learning to get into God's stride and surrender to his timing and plans even if it leads us against our our hearts longings or thoughts for a time.
How great is it that he ends with a caveat and allowing that we are striving for God's heart in the times of struggle and personal discouragement, that great times of personal growth are ahead if we TRUST the I AM who is the past present our our hope in future, and fight towards HIS heart.
